Periodic harvest of local news stories.
December 8, 2017
“America’s Favorite Redneck Muslim” and “The Crying Nazi” may one day live in harmony in Keene-tucky. Aryan strigid flaunts pro-white agenda for the delight of lens-wielding gawkers at Vermont Tech, while old white men circle the wagons. Speaking of white people…this nomadic surfer and competitive distance runner couple who sell organic coffee out of a van headed to the Pacific Northwest must be stopped before they break Instagram.
VPR asks, “What Is The Biggest Number?” but neglects basic journalistic research that would have easily uncovered the answer: twenty-four. At least they’re still sexualizing tubers. NHPR publishes the worst clickbait-y listicle and covers the cracking of the most boring safe ever.
The temperatures are dropping and the nights are getting long, so it’s time to pick up the latest cannabis gift guide, tune up your hemp guitar, order some CBD-infused poutine, and binge watch “Baked in Vermont“.
There are contaminants in VT water, contaminants in NH water, bat feces in the classroom, guns in the cafeteria, ricin in the retirement home, and blood in the mud. On a lighter note, Leo the Sheepdog came home!
A few of our favorite recent headlines:
And favorite sentences:
He’s the only candidate who consistently wears a boot on his head and declares “free ponies for all,” as his major campaign platform.
Returning in 1824 as a 20-year-old, Zerah was shocked to see how much his mother and siblings had aged in the 12 years he’d been gone. Upon his return, he seldom used his gift for math again, except perhaps his ability to multiply: After marrying, he fathered six children.
“Friday entered ye State of Vermont—a bad appearance at ye entrance, Pawnal ye first town, poor land—very unpleasant—very uneven—miserable set of inhabitants—no religion, Rhode Island haters of religion—baptists, quakers, & and some Presbyterians—no meeting house…. Brook-water is my chief drink. The maple cyder is horrible stuff—no malt in ye Country.—Their beer poor bran beer.”
And, finally, a poem:
This Is Just To Say
by Wile E. Carlos Wiles (Canis omniverous)
I have eaten
that were in
you were probably
waiting for, oh, just eight fucking years, to ripen
they were delicious
and so cold
P.S. I also ate some rodents, so, like, we’re cool now, right?
October 13, 2017
Pumpkin people invade Plainfield. West Nile virus invades Keene. Barbecue joints invade White River Junction. Fascists invade Barnard. Bougie puppies invade the Woodstock Green and the Woodstock Rec Center pool. Typo-ridden jerseys invade Montpelier. Toxic trolls invade Vermont. The Clintons invade Quebec. Alien worms invade North America. Earth’s Moon invades the Sun. “Problem bears” invade literally everywhere.
Springfield residents held hostage by Muzak posts. Plainfield residents held hostage by love poles. Londonderry no longer held hostage by oppressive children’s mural.
Get your towels ready, it’s about to go down: Hazel Nilson is one-hundred-and-nine, and SHE’S ON A BOAT. Barre city authorities hunt down source of municipal leak. Keene nearly cancels fest, then ups pumpkin quota. Bennington cartoon fail. Keene nazi fail. Victory fail.
Sentinel reporter does NOT encounter a grizzly bear. Daily Stormer is NOT based in Burlington. West Leb Applebees will NOT close. Treasure Island is NOT full of treasure. This pastry does NOT need an introduction. Lonely duck is NOT lonely anymore. Over-the-top review of Tropical Sour Patch Kids is NOT ironic, apparently.
Springfield Elks attempt to indoctrinate 3rd graders with blasphemous anti-flat earth propaganda (look closely at the dictionary covers…and check out the kid on the far right who just can’t…). Comcast sues Vermont and someone at Boing Boing has too much fun writing the URL.
TIL: what a hibernaculum is, and why you shouldn’t build one for creepy shape-shifting invasive snakes. Probably best to stick with the salamander party tricks and smiley-faced Bernie Sanders spiders. Vermont is becoming a veritable Park Slope for bald eagles, peregrine falcons, and loons.
A few of our favorite recent headlines, captions, and quotes:
“A camera crew from VICE News, dressed in black, filmed as Linda introduced Sanders to a day-old calf named Pinky. “Holy moly!” a delighted Sanders exclaimed as it ran wobbly legged by him. After meeting the cow, the senator snacked on fresh cucumbers and cherry tomatoes at a picnic table and discussed the plight of the state’s dairy farms…”
And, finally, some good news!
August 12, 2017
Affable broccoli-fiending parakeet Dr. Who escapes to the big city to chill on the finger of local paddle-bro Brandon Westburg. Domino the brown-eyed ponytail-munching personal-space-disrespecting alpaca has “a lot of game.” Mud-mouthed narcissistic phoebes hold family hostage in their own home. Goats go missing in Central Vermont, then goats show up for photo op in Keene. Doesn’t take Glenn Beck to connect those dots.
Vexillological bully Roman Mars flag shames Montpelier into new design. Fate of boy, stuck in mud, comes down to game of rock-paper-scissors. Efforts to improve community-police relations by contributing to diabetes and obesity in Lebanon and Montpelier already paying off dividends with gentler ukulele covers of NWA anthem.
Summer brings donut-wielding Florida Boy and flesh-eating-bacteria-wielding Florida Man to region. In other donut news, drug-infested den plagued with “kids doing doughnuts, adults doing doughnuts.” In other other donut news, quirky corporate hippie ice cream company’s new flavor is “loaded with chocolate donuts” and also herbicides, apparently. Seven Days says Ben & Jerry’s is still number one, then tells readers to move on to other frozen treats; Vermont Digger calls the confectionary charade a spade; and VPR finally jumps on the cowmobile with oddly-parenthesed headline. Simple solution to the PR crisis: team up with the green burial crowd on a win-win flavor.
Top-notch robot story ruined by totally unrealistic underwater ghost bear electrocution scene. Review of “bona fide nomad” Ben Cosgrove’s new album is okay, but lacks absurd fictional narrative and subterfugian photo spread. You could drop a cool half mill on this farm in New Hampshire, or you could pocket some of that cash and waste the rest on rebranding Rutland as “Killington Valley.” Demonstration is all fun and games, until “the chuckles turned to gasps.” So long, deadbeat dams!
Carny matrimony and racist swag at this year’s Cheshire Fair. Bennington town board member tells Dollar General rep to eat bullets, then flashes wad of Benjamins. Trump wants to #MAGA; Vermont sends a Dubie. Dear Valley News: Please do not put the words “Pence,” “Erect” and “Women” in the same headline ever again. Now, “Fire in the Beanhole” — that’s a wonderfully poetic headline that playfully and parallelistically captures both the catalyst and consequence of a leguminous South Royalton tradition. But, ugh, then you go and ruin it all with this unwieldy mixed-metaphor lede.
Literally everything is exploding right now: rabbits, caterpillars, ticks, gnats, bears, West Nile, diapers, buckets, CBD candy, CBD food, CBD booze. 15% of Vermont’s elk population escapes, goes skinny-dipping, gets shot. First the bison stampede (with excellent local news chyron “Brother Owns Bison”), then the seniors stampede.
Buried lede: Centenarian possesses magic gold-finding stick. World’s greatest nonagenarian (who set the record for flipping a tricked-out Subaru…on purpose) and Harley-riding grandma put this 92-year-old shoe chucker to shame. Octogenarian in big-time trouble. This lovable septuagenarian is still number one. And he’s also way better at Snapchat than you.
Mumblecore flick Tacos Tacos’ Tacos vs. Taco’s Tacos’ Tacos will get a $25,000 tax credit to not be filmed in Vermont. Small-town Derrida deconstructs the hot dog, “once and for all.” Tired of listening to Future Islands alone while waiting for the spin cycle to finish? Try these new hipster laundromats! Local man befriends cockroach, then ponders how one of the essential foundations of Western Civilization “still seems to have relevance.”
Friends of the Haskell Free Library will likely return to more traditional book sales after international gun smuggling fundraiser gets shut down. In response to news that the gourdish orgy will return to Keene, 27-year-old beardo Niles O’Connor says he loves pumpkins, hates traffic, while 22-year-old Chris Bernier goes rogue with mixed apple metaphors. Bears go shopping and apartment hunting in Keene. Tickled pink? No, pickled ticks!
Vermont yerppies (young rural professionals) announce 2017 agenda: clean energy and beer, of course! Long tail of Ithaca grads confirms lasting influence of Tom Green’s magnum opus, Road Trip. Canaan drift is “definitely not a hobby. It’s a lifestyle.” Is that a lot of honor in your pocket or are you just happy to be in Keene? Robots join forces with roosters; everybody doomed. Gas tank described in the Book of Revelation finally discovered in Derby Line. Pedestrians and equestrians in altercation over defecation expectation.
March 11, 2017
This week in awwwww: pun-loving ducks get hitched, Jasper James the goat enjoys full house privileges, rescue puppy fondly remembered by rescue man. Another Vermont Town Meeting Day has come and gone, and though we may be divided over whether it’s all about the pie or all about the doughnuts, there’s one thing we can all get behind: we must stop the extremist winds that are ravaging our trees and homes and energy infrastructure and this poorly-deployed blimp. Move over, PewDiePie, the Vermont Supreme Court has started live-streaming. Bernie Sanders finally gets to be the great uniter. Newport man turns syrup into wine. Gary celebrates 25 years of awkward meteorology. TIL: Why #VermontSoWhite. Be patient with prophetic perennials and “when the road is flooded and closed, don’t drive there”. Braid free or die.
February 19, 2017
Normcore out, Bernie chic in: Senator slash sartorial superstar inspires spring menswear collection. Seniors get swole in Lebanon. Sharon’s salacious park & ride set to expand. ’Tis the season for love brigades and Valentine’s bandits and adorable cross-equid friendships. Enjoy your favorite vices while you can: new and proposed laws and taxes target coffee, flavored tobacco, happy hour, plastic bags, salt brine, Amazon, nudity and bestiality. Vermonters protest coyote killing, while New Hampshire state rep wants to solve the “coydog problem” by expanding round-the-clock hunts. Bank protest gone wrong in St. Johnsbury. Springfield red light gets green light. Keene enveloped by mysterious odor. Rotten apple-addicted bear cub gets checked into rehab. New Hampshire fast food franchise fails to one-up competition with its “extra-happy” meal. Vermonters make a movie about Vermonters making a movie about Vermont while other Vermonters make a movie about them. Countering hate with rational discourse still works…sometimes. Malthusian nightmare scenarios await Keene and White River Junction, according to totally incontrovertible U-Haul one-way rental truck data. Mass murder of hundreds at popular West Lebanon corvid haunt. New Hampshire gets bridge shamed. Claremont deli’s delicious accident doesn’t even come close to the most Vermonty sugar-based emergency since Ben & Jerry’s decided to discontinue Dave Matthews-themed flavor deemed “too vanilla”. Peripatetic piano man slash experimental ice forest aficionado composes music inspired not by the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean.
January 18, 2017
Squirrel rebellion continues as kamikaze rodents shut down White River Junction and Exeter. Ermine rebellion faring not so well. Socially awkward parrot seeks hip mixtapes in Springfield. Vermont Supreme Court gets meta, then rules that buildings are free to be… U and G and L and Y. Ascutney abutter a-bitter about a-burden. New Hampshire lawmakers have a hard time keeping cars on parking ramps and keeping guns in waistbands. Pastor slash medical examiner slash funeral director slash rappelling instructor (and former state trooper slash high school teacher slash EMT slash milkman) is so Vermont. Also so Vermont: we barely have Uber but we can track snowplows statewide. Headline sure to disappoint Latin teachers everywhere. Northeast Kingdom moose collared via copter. Calendar adds seventh season and eighth season. Randolph youth prepare for robot invasion. Coffee K-Cups not quite getting you through the day? Time to invest in a Keurig booze maker. And for the kids: snickerdoodle Doodlebops and sleboggans. Law and Order: Woodstock. Montpelier’s longest clothesline may not be a clothesline after all. Too soon to start trending #Verexit?
December 24, 2016
As we prepare to tell 2016 to fuck off one last time, let’s take a moment to reflect on the 2% of the year that wasn’t complete rubbish. Yes, there’s orange ooze in Beaver Brook, Keene’s War on Christmas continues to escalate, people keep finding new ways to be obnoxious with drones, the Grinch sunk to a strange new low, the polar vortex just won’t leave this kid alone, Mary left Joseph to raise Jesus as a single dad, and the Cosmos is doomed. But, on the bright side, Keegan is probably going to get some legos, there are still random acts of plowing, Santa is hitting the YMCA, Vermont maple syrup is orbiting Earth, rag-time-lapse videos made their debut, you can livestream a donkey miracle, Shumlin may pardon that pesky pot conviction, wolves are finally getting access to quality education, and there will be sticky buns for Christmas. Seriously, watch this video one more time.
December 8, 2016
This week in moose on the move: Cows and moose form bizarre love triangle. Young moose takes polar plunge in Chester backyard. Canada to NH brewery: Don’t mess with our moose trademarks. Squirrel wages War on Christmas in Keene. Songbird enthusiast learns to love invasive passerine flash mobs. Nonagenarian and near-nonagenarian too legit to quit. Thriving Upper Valley film scene fueled by Chico Eastridge’s peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. Mysterious treasure-filled suitcase arrives in Berlin, departs for Berlin. Lucky Springfield residents treated to 24 hours of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Tired of your boring old vibrating bed? Try this exciting new twist. Montpelier once visited by Jumbo; now full of friendly people. Aria Skye Williams Eddy is one, and Bernie Sanders is still number one.
October 28, 2016
This week in most triumphant headlines: Fairy House Festival success! October birthday party success! Brattleboro garbage pickup switcheroo success! New Hampshire moose hunt success! Saxtons River chili-off success! Bellows Falls fiddle-off success! Elephantine turnip competition success! Brookfield hydrant replacement success! Vermont eagle, loon and falcon reproduction success! World record attempt to use mouth for catching grape dropped more than a hundred feet from hot air balloon…success!!! And remember: If at first your Jiffy Mart doesn’t succeed, try, try again. Vermont on verge of gold rush; New Hampshire on verge of silver tsunami. Two biologists crawled inside an abandoned beaver lodge in Montpelier, and you won’t believe what happened next. Lonely lynx and lonely single trees could really use a buddy bench. With leaf peepers gone, shindig season can begin. If you’re an active spunky person who can easily jump in and out of cars, then you might want to call Bill for good pocket change. Up with tacos; down with homework. Though we may be tired of this election’s meta-debates and juvenile graffiti and low-grade heroin, we should all follow Harry Bliss’ lead and “vote for whichever candidate is not going to blow up the planet.” Or, at least, show up for the free coffee.
October 11, 2016
The days are getting shorter, and strange things are afoot: Springfield woman chased by catamount at Family Dollar—and this image totally proves it. Creepy clowns are pretty much everywhere, no matter what this guy says. Also spotted: big squash, big pumpkin, big tabby, Bigfoot. Silver Madonna eludes true detectorists. Newport children ride mystery train. Pugs celebrate early Halloween in Killington. Cement bandits strike Windsor and Keene…could Strafford be next? Bridge bandits and sign bandits still at large. Leaning tower of Pomfret leans no more. State seeks snake narcs while feds crack down on sugarhouse miscreants. Weather grounds gubernatorial Cessna; Springfield man offers “really neat” alternative. Foliage explainer graphic omits key contributor to fall color: monkeys. These links are not yet rated: Norwich native shows his balls in NYC gallery. What smells like a “dead body, roadkill, feces, urine, garbage, all together”? If you guessed Dartmouth frat basement, you’re not too far off (we would have also accepted this answer). Political candidates have fun tossing filth in Barre. We’re not even going to touch this headline or this headline or this headline. Bernie Sanders to spice up Our Revolution—with, possibly, even more sexual angst and melodramatic vampires—as he looks to break into YA market. Children cheer as Hoggary Clinton leaves Donald Rump Roast in the dust at prognosticatory pig race. And if the election is getting you down, just remember: When one Jiffy Mart closes, another opens.
September 18, 2016
Empty chair polling at 42% following contentious gubernatorial debate at Tunbridge World’s Fair, while third-party presidential candidate slash 13th-century Sufi mystic continues to gain ground in Norwich. Brighton soon to be proud home of Bridgey McBridgeface. Brace yourself for the foliage funk of Phish’s new album. Junkyard foxes bite half-dozen Montpelier residents; town seeks ordinance to prevent further vulpine delinquency. Troy gets a windfall; UNH gets a windfall; area schools and state airports set to get windfalls. Only one way to spend that kind of money: MONORAIL! That, or a million dollar video scoreboard for the football team. Brattleboro residents remain up to six degrees away from Kevin Bacon for at least another year. Senior Superlatives: Bernie Sanders is number one (and also tied with Ted Cruz?); Vermont readers are number one; Tri-Town Cribbage dynamic duo LaPointe and Fowler are number one; Crafts with Lois is number one; Rich Earth Institute wants your number one. Jersey Shore meets Burning Man in Bridgewater. Columnist warns of extension cord sleeper cells. St. Johnsbury women accused of pocketing $8000 in goods from Dollar Tree must have worn really big cargo pants. Norwich residents probably want to swim in water. Ageist morning team leaves elder Gary out of corn maze fun. Those little bits of plastic in your Koffee Kup buns weren’t prizes. Broom-wielding shoe gestapo guards Brattleboro contra-dancers. VT vs. VW lawsuit recalls landmark V v. V. V. case. Vermont Trappers’ Association rendezvous for black power shooting contest? Why, oh why, did he swallow a fly? Best not to ask. Hot-to-trot moose take to area roadways. New WUMS dress code: pretty much anything goes. Prepare to enter the morning in the afterglow of Moon/Uranus-Moon/Pluto. Transcontinental sock fight nearing end. Up the punx!
September 2, 2016
This week in transmogrification: vet turns rags into paper. Freewheeling parrot turns books into confetti. Escaped monkey turns Bellows Falls Police Department Facebook page into a circus. Montpelier turns river into sewage, then turns sewage into art! Please don’t turn this Vernon swamp into anything, lest we lose a vital local source of trick gum. You’ve been warned: bears are getting bolder, and, according to Maine wildlife officials, they love doughnuts. $2.7 million might not be enough to completely stop scofflaws in White River Junction, but it will at least slow them down a bit. Rush Limbaugh sounds the alarm on federally-funded lesbian farmer invasion, completely ignores the real threat: hermaphroditic Asian mollusks. Burroughs-esque headline totally misleading. Local man takes “pretty freakin’ rippin’ ride” down the Rabbit Hole to Shrek’s Cabin. Sharon shoe chuckers officially over the hill. Tacos Bavarian, look who’s an octogenarian! (Or, this headline works, too…I guess). Ozzie the Shih Tzu weds Jasmine the Shih Tzu in holy “muttrimony” in Barre; happy couple will maintain separate residences on account of busy personal schedules. First the horses learn to count, then they organize to demand unrealistic 4-day work week. This link is NSFV (not safe for vegans). Speaking of vegans, drinking their blood may help ward off cancer. Conformist goat herd just drinking the Kool-Aid in Lebanon. White House to Woodstock police chief: “What? You don’t have a Tumblr?!” Remember: the safety word is “okey-dokey.” Finally, you can make hay where the sun don’t shine and view a live-action theatrical performance of Wishbone. Chicken hypnosis? Puppy parade! Green-sequined-cowboy-hat-wearing country-rap-fusionists hawk “Saddle Up Shawty” wares while moseying on through Keene parking lots. Says Michael Staples of Chesterfield, “If you want to sell CDs there’s better ways to do it than to yell at hot chicks.” Non-street-team-member-just-friendly-tagalong-hitchhiker-trying-to-get-to-Nashville Grayson Carter believes the group is simply misunderstood: “These guys right here are like big man-children, they’re fun, they have lots of big sunshiney vibes.”
August 21, 2016
This week in squirrel: “oo squirrel. oo oo. squirrel squirrel.” What is this apple pie hiding? Shona Grill sets record for world’s longest team barbecue, but gets totally smoked in the name race by Bellows Falls’ other BBQ joint. That ruckus in the cemetery? Well, “it wasn’t Pokemon; it was pot.” And speaking of Happy Herb… As a result of this summer’s drought, Quechee residents are advised to cut back on watering their alpacas and to also keep an eye on their picnic baskets; annual chicken swap proceeds as usual. First they pimped your ride, now they’re steampunking your pet. Police warn local businesses: this man does not actually work for McDonald’s, so don’t feel obligated to give him special discounts on goods and services. Brattleboro’s circus school to expand, providing the perfect excuse for a second Simpsons reference. Only in Hanover: residents tell The Boss to turn it down. Thinking of parking diagonally in Weston? Think again. In South Royalton, the patties are “fat and gloriously funky.” Upper Valley rugby team finally “more than just organized rear-end-grabbing.” Fourth grader writes this year’s best article about Bernie Sanders.
August 5, 2016
Brattleboro police warn citizens: not everything you read on the internet is true. Seniors and bikers play poker. House in river: “I have driven by it a million times and always wondered, WTF?” Buy your very own jingle-bob after 40 oxen finish moving a school house. Cardboard Kevin Bacon spotted lurking around Brattleboro. Rubberball team “No Glove No Love” is number one. AP News syndicated synonym game: is Vermont’s moose population fading, dwindling, or shrinking? Chesterfield residents fed up with grumblestrips: “We watch TV on that side of the house. Now we have to keep the window shut.” Squirrel shuts down capital city. Kitty Police and cat vigilantes terrify feline-loving Montpelier residents: “My cat has been inside for the past several days,” Caroline Munroe said of Biggie Smalls (The Notorious C.A.T.). “She’s not happy about it.”
June 22, 2016
Monkeys take Montpelier; senior citizens left to clean up the mess. Newspaper for sale: $175 and 400 words. New brews in Danville; new tunes from St. J’s Neko Case and Windsor’s Derek and the Demons. Tesla batteries come to town. Barre’s version of “Shark Tank”: business bikers. Cornish once home to “many Lincoln-shaped men.” Adorable greyhound tells NewVista: “NO WAY.” Nineteen-foot U-shaped log “wasn’t quite big enough.”